Small Talk. Few people like it, many try to avoid it. For some, small talk can seem tedious, disingenuous or a waste of time, while for others it may feel like pressure to perform politeness.

Yes, small talk isn’t effective in all social situations. Sometimes, it’s important to be direct, especially when important information needs to be shared. But in lower pressure situations, small talk can be a great way to connect with others. Once you understand what small talk is and how to small talk effectively, it won’t feel like a waste of time, and you might even have fun.

What is Small Talk and Why It is Worth it

Small talk is a casual conversational style often involving spontaneous discussion. The goals of small talk are to learn from and connect with others. It involves various techniques and once you learn how to use them, it will make small talk feel more like a fun way to socialize and less like an obligation.

How to Small Talk Effectively 

Start by reframing how you see small talk

Often with social interactions we tend to focus on how we’re going to feel and how we’re going to be perceived. It can make us feel like we’re in a spotlight. However small talk is not about performing well, being perfect or about getting positive results. Instead it’s about communicating, connecting and learning. Changing how you think about small talk can help reduce anxiety and discomfort.

Before you try to small talk again, consider these examples:

• Small talk is awkward—>small talk can feel uncomfortable at first because it is out of my comfort zone, but that feeling can change the more I do it 
• Small talk is useless—> small talk can be a way for me to learn from others
• I can’t do it—> I can get better at it with time and practice; confidence doesn’t happen right away, it takes time. 

Start conversations by using the present moment

Small talk is more effective when you use what’s presently happening to start conversation. This can be an event that you’re currently at, an activity you’re engaging in, or your surroundings. For example, let’s say you’re talking to someone at a your school’s basketball game, you could say something like “This is my first time going to a game, how about you?” Look around and observe. Use what you see as a topic of conversation.

Be Curious

Being curious means showing interest in the other person. When doing small talk: 

Ask open-ended questions. Open-ended questions often start with “what” and “why”. For instance: “What are your thoughts on the homework?” or “What did you do over the weekend?” Questions like “how are you” and “did you have a good weekend” typically generate close-ended answers like yes, no, or fine which tends to end things pretty quickly.

Use active listening. This means paying attention and showing interest in what is being said. This includes verbal cues of acknowledgement like “hmm”, “ahhh”, “I understand”, or nonverbal cues like nodding, eye contact, and angling your body towards the person. Active listening also involves reflecting back what you have heard to show that you’re listening. This means taking a moment to think about what the other person has said and paraphrasing it (putting it into your own words).

Share about yourself

Small talk is collaborative. In Harvard Business Review’s Youtube video “How to Get Good at Small Talk, and Even Enjoy It” author Matt Abrahams likens small talk to a game of hacky sack. In hacky sack, players try to keep the sack from hitting the ground with their feet. Small talk can be the same: you and your conversation partner go back and forth to keep the conversation going. So, not only are you asking them questions and reflecting what you heard, but you are answering questions, too.

How to end small talk

At some point the conversation will end, whether it’s because you need to go, the conversation has died out, or you want to leave. You can use cues to let the other person know you are ending the conversation.

For instance you can say statements like: 

• “Class is starting soon, talk later.”
• “I need to go now. It was nice talking to you.” 
• “I have to leave, but thank you for the chat. Have a good day.”

And if you’d like to keep talking to them in the future you could say something like, “I have to go, but I’d like to keep in touch if that’s okay with you.” 

The next time you small talk, consider trying these simple techniques. Remember, you don’t need to be perfect at small talk. The goal to small talk effectively is to be curious, learn about someone else, and try again if doesn’t work out. You got this! 

If you or someone you know is struggling to socialize and make friends, our therapists Shantal Placido, LCSW; Spencer McCauley, LCSW; and Teresa Giolitto, LMFT are here to help you navigate social interactions with confidence and support. 

Please email us at spencerstherapypractice@gmail.com or click the green “Contact Us” button at the upper right hand corner of the page.

Author: Shantal Placido, LCSW